The Side Bae Law
by Aokuro Hell Crew
Summary: [Aokuro, Midotaka, Takakuro][crackfic] In which Midorima is done with the excessive use of the term "bae", Aomine abuses his power as a police officer, Takao does literally nothing but start shit, and Kuroko lays down the law.


**A/N:** All fics posted from this account are authorized reposts from a specific group of writers on AO3. For info on who we are and links to the original AO3 fics, check out our profile! This fic was written by Maddie, Kate, and Melissa.

* * *

Aomine still couldn't really believe this was actually happening, but here he was, and there was no going back now. He walked into the cafe, ordered a strong coffee, and then looked around for Midorima. Upon spotting him sitting alone at a table in the corner, Aomine rolled his eyes and walked over.

"Hasn't Takao already told you that those sunglasses are completely useless as a disguise?" he said, sitting down across from Midorima and taking a sip of his coffee. He made a face - it wasn't nearly strong enough. He pulled a flask out of his pocket and poured a generous amount of rum into his mug.

Midorima looked up from his menu. "How did you recognize me? I added a hat and everything!" he said, pointing at the mickey mouse ears on the hat that he'd taken from Takao from when they went to Disney World.

"How many people in the world do you think have the same green hair and terrible personality as you?" Aomine said with a raised eyebrow.

"My personality is lovely. You're the one who I'm amazed Kuroko still puts up with. You have to be one of the biggest idiots I know, Kagami may be tied with you. Even sitting in your presence is probably lowering my IQ," Midorima replied, taking a sip of his coffee and looking at Aomine with disdain.

"See? Terrible personality," Aomine said. "I don't really know why Takao likes you either… but that's none of my business," he said while sipping his coffee again.

"Let's just get down to business," Midorima said, pulling out a piece of paper and two pens, placing them on the table between them.

 _The Side Boyfriend Law._

He wrote out neatly across the top of the paper.

Aomine scoffed. "Oh come on, if this is gonna be an official document, at least use the proper terms." He took the other pen, grabbed the paper, and corrected it.

 _The Side_ _Bae Law._

Midorima frowned at the paper. "I wouldn't say that an acronym made by frivolous teenagers who don't even know what romance is counts as proper terms," he said.

"...Do _you_ know what romance is?" Aomine asked.

"Yes," Midorima replied indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "I did manage to get a relationship with Takao after all."

Aomine tried not to laugh but it was inevitable. Midorima looked and sounded just as immature as one of those "frivolous teenagers" he had been talking about. "Alright, first of all, take off the stupid disguise before I take a picture for your boyfriend's blackmail collection. Then maybe we can 'get down to business'."

Midorima glared, but took off his sunglasses. And then took off the second pair of sunglasses. And then the hat. "The first rule is that they can't know about this contract," he said, writing that down.

Aomine nodded. "Second rule… main baes get more sex than side baes." He scribbled on the paper, _Fucking main bae (more-than sign) fucking side bae._

"Did you have to use such vulgar language? I know your vocabulary is limited, but surely Kuroko has taught you _something,"_ he said, but didn't argue the rule. He picked up his pen and wrote the next rule. "The . . . side baes..." He grimaced. "...get at least one date a month, and there are two double dates."

Aomine smirked. "If you think I'm the more vulgar one between me and Tetsu, you're in for some really surprising stories from Takao…" He drifted off and tapped the pen on the table in thought. "What if one of us is too busy to make the double date, hm? Threesome?" he said with a grin, and wrote that as an addendum beneath the previous rule.

"You are a truly disgusting human being," Midorima told him, but again, didn't try to get rid of the rule. "There can only be one side bae," he said. "You've been looking at Takao too much. You're only allowed to touch him in a threesome," he said, writing down the rule.

"Hey, you can't tell me you don't side-eye the fuck out of the two of them getting all touchy-feely with each other," Aomine protested.

Midorima blushed, and pushed his glasses up. "I certainly wouldn't be so open about it. Unlike some people," he replied, even though Takao had once called him out on blatantly staring at Kuroko's ass.

"Uh, I think the whole point of this arrangement is that we are all being very, _very_ open with each other."

"Not in public! I don't stare at or touch them in public," Midorima argued.

Aomine sighed. "Alright, alright." He wrote as the next rule _No PDA because Midorima's a fucking prude._ After a moment's thought, he scratched it out and instead wrote _PDA is a-okay behind Midorima's back_.

"It is not a-o anything! You shouldn't be doing that in public. Don't think I didn't notice you giving Kuroko a hand job last time we all went to dinner with everyone," Midorima said crossly.

Aomine just laughed. "Haaaa you noticed that? Well, with the night me and Tetsu ended up having it's a good thing we did some warming up beforehand."

Midorima looked horrified. "Yes, I noticed! So did everyone else! Kise only didn't say something because Akashi threatened him. And you shouldn't be sharing things like that with me," he said, his voice rising a little. "Besides, you are a _police officer!_ Aren't there laws against doing that in public?"

Aomine shrugged and took a large gulp of his spiked coffee. "It's not illegal if you don't get caught."

"I assure you, that isn't how the law works. I'm a doctor and I know that much," Midorima deadpanned. "You truly are just an animal. I don't understand what Kuroko sees in you."

"Well I'm super hot, that's at least one thing."

"So are plenty of other people. He had options. I don't understand why he threw them away for the trashcan itself."

"Hmm… sounds to me like someone's jealous," Aomine said, eyebrows raised. "Do I need to include a rule to keep you away from Tetsu?"

"Of course not," Midorima said, pushing his glasses up. "Do I need one to keep you away from Takao? I'd like him to not be contaminated, if at all possible. Although, clearly you've done something to Kuroko to keep him around, so he might already be infected through him."

"Oh!" Aomine exclaimed in realization. "Good point, next rule…" He wrote, _Fucking get your junk checked and use condoms._

Midorima looked mildly surprised that Aomine had thought of that. "Well, I can't speak for you, but Takao and I are clean. We got tested before we started sleeping together."

"Yeah same, Tetsu made me."

"Did he also talk to your vet to make sure you had your shots? Because I don't want Takao getting rabies from you."

"Speaking of animals, do you find the whole 'hawk eye' thing useful in bed, or…? Should I just ask Tetsu?" Aomine shot right back.

Midorima blushed, his whole face turning red. "I am not discussing that with you," he muttered, looking down at his coffee, before deciding it wasn't strong enough and stealing Aomine's, downing the whole thing in one go. "I probably just got nine kinds of diseases," he said ruefully.

"Oi, what the hell?" Aomine exclaimed. "If you wanted some booze you could've just asked, asshole."

"I could have, but that would imply that I asked you for something. I can't stoop that low. I have some self respect."

"Yeah okay, well fuck you then," Aomine said, taking out the flask and downing the rest of the rum in two gulps.

"No thank you. Keep that for Kuroko," he said, frowning in disgust.

Aomine smirked. "Oh, I will. Anyway, I think the next rule should be…"

* * *

Takao woke up before Kuroko. "Mornin', Te-chan…" he murmured sleepily, poking him.

"No. It's not morning," he mumbled, snuggling closer to Takao. "Morning means waking up, and that sounds like a bad idea," he said, hiding his face against Takao's chest and keeping his eyes closed.

"Mmm, can't say you're wrong," Takao said with a raspy-morning-voice laugh.

"Can we go back to sleep?" Kuroko cracked one eye open to peek up at Takao. "It's Saturday, so I don't have to teach."

"True," Takao said, grinning and ruffling Kuroko's ridiculous bedhead hair. "But also, your dear main bae is a cop, so I'd rather not get on his bad side, yeah?"

"Hmm. I'm not getting up. You have to carry me," Kuroko told him, closing both eyes again, and fully intending to go back to sleep.

An evil idea occurred to Takao. "...You might regret saying that, Te-chan…" He got up out of bed.

Kuroko made a small sound of protest at the loss of warmth, but made no move to get up.

In one swift movement, Takao ripped the covers off of Kuroko and picked him up bridal-style, running out of the room with him and depositing him onto the couch.

Kuroko let out a yelp of surprise when the blanket was ripped off of him and he was lifted off the bed. "I didn't actually want you to move me," he complained, pouting sleepily up at Takao from his new spot on the couch.

Takao sat down directly on Kuroko's lap, now considerably more awake than he had been a minute ago. "Be careful what you wish for~" he said cheerily.

"I wished to go back to sleep," Kuroko complained. "You didn't let me do that."

"Awww, I'm sorry, Te-chan," Takao said, pouting with mock-sympathy. He leaned down and gave Kuroko a peck on the lips. "Will food and coffee make you feel any better?"

Kuroko pretended to consider it for a moment. "Yes, probably," he decided. "Are you cooking the food though? Because I don't want to do anything."

"Lazy," Takao teased, standing up and holding out a hand for Kuroko to take. "Come keep me company in the kitchen?"

"Talk to Daiki if you want lazy," Kuroko said, but took the offered hand and reluctantly got up.

After breakfast, Takao walked Kuroko back to the apartment he shared with Aomine… across the hall.

Kuroko gave Takao a light kiss on the lips before unlocking the door and walking in. "Daiki, I'm home!" he called.

Aomine sat up suddenly in bed, confused and angry at first as to why he was awake. But then he recognized Kuroko's voice and perked up instantly. He went out to met Kuroko at the door, and opened his mouth to ask why he hadn't come home the night before… and then saw Takao next to him in the doorway. "Hey Tetsu! ...Takao," he greeted, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"Hello," Kuroko said, walking forward and standing on his tiptoes to give Aomine a quick peck on the lips. "Did you sleep well last night? You were late getting home from work, and Midorima had a night shift, so I slept over with Takao."

"You…" Aomine drifted off, thinking back over the past week or two. "...Heyyy, that's the second time this week. That's against The Law!" he exclaimed. He pulled the two of them into the apartment, closed the door behind them, and went to get his phone. "Don't go anywhere!" he told them.

"What law?" Kuroko asked Takao quietly, watching his main bae with concern.

"...I don't know. I just hope he's not gonna come back with handcuffs," Takao replied.

"Actually, the handcuffs can be kind of fun. I'll show you some time," Kuroko offered.

"Mm, good idea."

Meanwhile, Aomine returned with his phone up to his ear. "Midorima. They broke The Law. … Yeah. Amendment 2. Yep. Okay. … See you." He hung up.

"Aomine-kun," Kuroko only used his last name when he was upset with him. "What is going on?"

"Ooooooh, breaking out the 'Aomine-kun', huh Te-chan? You better watch out, he might arrest us," Takao laughed.

Aomine smirked diabolically. A few minutes later, he was shoving Takao and Kuroko into the back of his police car. "You have the right to remain silent."

"Kazunari-kun, anything you say can and will be used against you, so only say my name." Kuroko said.

He nuzzled his face into Kuroko's neck and purred, "Tetsuya" before turning a smug grin on Aomine and winking.

"Alright, that's it," Aomine said in annoyance, and the moment the car reached the street, he floored it and turned on the sirens.

"Aomine-kun, this is an abuse of your power as a police officer," Kuroko said calmly, moving to sit in Takao's lap and seatbelting them in together.

"I don't know, Te-chan. I think I feared for my life a bit there. I need we-almost-died sex stat."

"I think that can be arranged." Kuroko replied, rolling his hips so that he was grinding against Takao.

"Not today," Aomine growled and screeched around a corner while running a red light. "Not without me."

"You're being rude. You don't get sex," Kuroko replied, turning and straddling Takao, leaning down to kiss him.

"Mmmm, Te-chan~~~ If I'd known you like an audience I could have arranged something ages ago."

"Well _MAYBE_ if you were Tetsu's _MAIN BAE_ you would have known he does, in fact, like an audience," Aomine accused.

"Of all the flavors in the world, you choose to be salty," Takao said.

"I prefer the term dark chocolate with salted caramel filling, motherFUCKER."

"Maybe that's why I should be the main bae. Te-chan likes vanilla better." He waggled his eyebrows at Aomine in the rearview mirror before very obviously grabbing Kuroko's ass.

Aomine glanced into the rearview mirror. "Get that smug-ass grin off your face before I fuck and/or beat it off of you."

"I suppose I can lose the grin but I happen to love my smug ass."

Kuroko rolled his eyes. "Aomine-kun still hasn't explained what is going on," he complained.

"Well, conveniently, we are now... HERE." Aomine slammed on the brakes and skidded into a messy parallel-parking job, coming very close to becoming the cafe's first drive-thru customer.

Takao peered outside the window at the storefronts. "Is this where the beating starts? You know, for a police officer, you don't really understand the downside of witnesses to murder…"

"Maybe this is where the fucking starts," Kuroko mused, not moving from Takao's lap.

"Kinky~~ But I'm not into public porn, Te-chan. What a shame."

Aomine reached in, unbuckled them, and dragged them both out of the car, depositing Takao on the sidewalk and putting his arms around Kuroko.

"You know I've never had sidewalk sex and I really don't think I want to start now. Cement up your ass probably burns like a bitch."

"Tell that to your main bae," Aomine said, nodding towards the waiting Midorima.

Midorima was standing at the on the sidewalk, in his same disguise from before, with his arms crossed over his chest. He'd just gotten off work and had wanted to go home, but it appeared that Takao and Kuroko had broken amendment two. "You know, they weren't supposed to know about the rules," Midorima told Aomine, helping Takao up off the sidewalk.

"Yeah well, they weren't supposed to practically fuck each other in my backseat but that happened. Looks like neither of us get what we want."

"Takao, you shouldn't have sex in a police car," Midorima said. "I'm sure there are laws against that."

"Ah, but you know, variety is the spice of life. Live a little, Shin-chan!" Takao grinned.

"Aomine-kun. I will ask you one more time before you get demoted to the side bae. What is going on?" Kuroko said flatly, ducking out of Aomine's arms.

"Damn~~ Te-chan is coooold." He sidled up to Kuroko and wrapped his arms around the man, "Maybe I need to warm you up."

Aomine scowled. "Midorima, do you see why I called you? They're out of control! Look at this shit," he said, gesturing violently towards them.

"Aomine Daiki. That is not an explanation," Kuroko said, narrowing his eyes at him.

Aomine felt a deep and primal panic within his soul at the use of his full name. (He also felt the primal need to murder the bastard rubbing his hands up and down _his_ main bae.) "Uhhhhhhhhh Midorima please tell me you brought a copy of The Law with you."

"I was at work. Why would I have a copy with me? Besides, you're the one in trouble. I'm not helping you."

"Goddammit Midorima you're useless," Aomine gritted out.

In contrast, Takao's grin widened and he beamed at his main bae. "That's the spirit, Shin-chan! I can't wait for a threesome!"

"Aomine Daiki. Explanation. Now," Kuroko said.

"Okay, okay okay, um. Okay," Aomine stammered. "Okay. So, when you guys starting doing the whole fuckin…. side bae thing… me and Midorima somehow managed to agree on a few rules? Um. Just to make sure, you know, that I stay the main bae and Takao stays the side bae, and all that… stuff. Yep."

Kuroko frowned. "Aomine-kun," it was better than his full name at least. "How are we supposed to follow rules that we aren't informed of? What did we even do? I just came home this morning and you were upset."

Takao still hadn't unglued himself from Tetsu and chose that moment to nuzzle his side bae's ear. "The main bae is getting jealous~~" he whispered, grabbing Kuroko's ass.

Midorima's glasses went opaque and a dangerous aura emitted from him. "The two of you violated The Side Bae Law, Amendment 2, 'Fucking main bae (more-than sign) fucking side bae' submitted by a Mr. Aomine Daiki."

"Yeah, what he said!" Aomine agreed.

"We were not informed of any of these rules, and you were both busy," Kuroko pointed out, now seeming more exasperated than angry.

"Who's gonna keep me warm when you leave me all by my lonesome, Shin-chan?" Takao pouted.

Midorima blushed. "That's why he's the side bae, but you're supposed to sleep with me more. I am the main bae," He said, adjusting his sunglasses.

"Hmmmm, what if you come home and Te-chan gets to watch? I wanna see if an audience gets you all hot and bothered too."

"What if I want to join in?" Kuroko complained.

Aomine followed the conversation with growing disbelief evident on his face. "OH _HELL_ NO. Tetsu is coming home with _me_ Mr. _SIDE BAE_."

Kuroko turned to Aomine and arched an eyebrow. "Oh, I am, am I? I don't recall agreeing to that, Aomine-kun," Kuroko said, voice deadly calm.

Aomine frantically tried to backtrack at the ice in his voice. "Um, I mean if you want of course. I was planning to make up for not coming home early enough last night and you know I really miss you and uh… I love you?" The last part came out a desperate squeak.

"Are you asking me or telling me that you love me?" Kuroko asked, tone not changing.

"Aski-NO WAIT. TELLING. I'M TELLING YOU. I love you so so much! You're hot shit!"

"Should I feel complimented that I am apparently something gross you put into a toilet? That doesn't sound like a good thing to me," Kuroko replied.

Beneath Aomine's increasing panic, Takao failed to hide his satisfied snickers. Aomine was still blundering through an apology. "You should feel really really complimented because in bae world that's like the biggest title. You're main bae to the max."

"You are not helping, Takao-kun," Kuroko said, turning his ice cold glare onto the other, and using his last name instead of first as well.

"Aww Te-chan, I'm not the one calling you poop!"

"You sure seem to be having fun listening to him do it. You're not disputing it any." He turned his attention back to Aomine. "And you're making it worse."

"Well that's just cold, Te-chan. I thought I made it _very_ clear what I thought of you last night," Takao answered, his eyes filling with heat.

"And just what _do_ you think of him?" Midorima asked, glasses even more dangerously opaque, while Kuroko decided to start walking home even though it wasn't really within walking distance.

"Oh come on, Shin-chan! If I didn't say such nice things, we'd be having so much less fun~~" Takao waggled his brows to add to his words.

Meanwhile, Aomine was following Kuroko like a lost puppy. "Tetsuuuuuu…. If you come home with me I'll let you drive the police car."

"I have no interest in doing that." Kuroko didn't even look at him.

"Not even if I said you could turn the sirens on?"

"The sirens are annoying and loud. I am not a child. You cannot bribe me with emergency vehicles and speeding."

Aomine reached out and grabbed his arm. "Tetsu, please? I'm sorry. You know I love you so much that I become an even bigger idiot than usual. But I just don't wanna lose you is all… never again. I really really love you, I promise. It's not a question."

Kuroko sighed and looked up at Aomine. "Daiki, you agreed to this side bae thing. If you had a problem with it you should have told me," he said.

"Well I know you don't like me trying to tell you what to do, so... ? I don't know. I guess I thought I wouldn't mind as much, and then I see you with Takao and his stupid pretty face and it's... Well. I worry, I guess."

"I don't, but it takes two to have a relationship, Daiki. We have to be able to communicate. I don't like you ordering me around, but you can tell me when you don't like something. I do this with Takao because both yours and Midorima's work schedules can be weird. We get lonely sometimes. But I love you, and he loves Midorima. I consider him a good friend, with good benefits, but nothing more. That's why he is the side bae, and you are the main bae."

Aomine grinned. "Heh. You know, Midorima thinks it's stupid but I kinda like the sound of 'main bae'. It's starting to grow on me."

* * *

Back in the cafe, the customers of the shop looked on in disgust as a black haired-man straddled his partner unabashedly running his tongue up his neck. The two were eventually chased out (once the female manager recovered enough from her nosebleed).

The process repeated on the train.

* * *

"So, I'm okay with Amendment 34, but Amendment 76 to the Side Bae Law 2.0 has to go."

"No, wait, but 76B is good, right? It's 76A you have a problem with."

"Yeah I guess you're right, but in that case isn't amendment 134 redundant?"

"I don't really care much about 134, but can we please do something about the wording of 87? It's really unclear..."

* * *

The end?


End file.
